Washington D.C.- The Internet, known to some as the World Wide Web, will be turned off at midnight, December 31, 2009. When turned on some 20+ years ago, the network of computer systems was thought to be a potential replacement of the telephone as a means of communication. Joe Oz, Senior Internet Engineering Specialist at the Internet stated that, “It’s quite evident that the initial direction we wanted to go in with this project has been severely diverted. When we developed the Internet, we saw a system that would aid in the sharing of information. We envisioned a network of like-minded Internet “users” who could assist each other and learn from each other. Clearly, this is not the case. Websites such as Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace are clear examples that the sharing of useful information on this network was just a pipe-dream. I am glad we tried though.”
Father of the internet, Al Gore says, “We had a good run, but after 20-some years of trying, it is pretty evident that this network of inter-connected computers systems is clearly not a viable means of shared communication.”
The news has caused a mad-dash of traffic to pornography sites by users hoping to stockpile enough material to sustain themselves. Joey Butello, CEO of rawanimalsexwithmidgetsandsteamshovels.com, say he has noticed a major influx of traffic by “money-paying sick-fu*ks” to his site. “When I started rawanimalsexwithmidgetsandsteamshovels.com, I knew there was a niche market that wasn’t gettin’ served. I never dreamed that business would explode like this! It sucks hairy balls that it has to end.”
Similar increases in traffic have been noticed on the social networking sites MySpace and Facebook where users have been posting goodbyes to friends they have never actually met. This excerpt was taken from college freshman Jason Thomas’ wall:
“Dudes! The news is sooooooo sad! Think I’m going to spend the next couple months finishing off all those beer surveys I never got to. Been totally whack getting to know you all!”
When asked what he will do when the Internet is finally turned off, Thomas stated, “I’ll probably get a big bag of weed and like a job or something.”
- National Press Services
If you would like to keep the internet turned on, let your voice be heard. A petition, “Do Not Turn Off The Internet,” can be found here.
